刘晓伟老师—中考英语写作精彩点评与修改（二）

中考英语作文题二（同第一题，另一个学生写的。大家借鉴一下！）

五晚你父母都出去了，只有爷爷和你在家，你在客厅里看电视而爷爷在他屋里看报纸。突然你听到爷爷屋里有什么动静，当你推开房门，惊讶地发现爷爷正躺在地上，失去了知觉。于是你立即拨打了120。然后让爷爷平躺，打开了窗户。就在这时医生来了。一位医生说你做的对，救了爷爷的命。请根据提示以"An Unforgettable Night"为题，写一篇80字左右的短文。
I had a experience of helping others to save his life. (I had an experience of saving one’s life.) It was my grandfather.

Last Friday, my dad and mom went out, only my grandfather and I being at home. (最好用状语从句代替几个简单句,可以改成: Last Friday, my parents went out when my grandfather and I were staying at home.) I watched TV at home and my grangfather read newspaper in his room. (时态有问题. 两个人同时做某事,可以用while引导的时间状语从句,可以改成: I was watching TV while my grandfather was reading newspaper in his room.) Suddenly, I heard any strange sound from the room of my grandfather. (Suddenly I heard a strange sound coming from the room of my grandfather.) I push the door and discovered my grandfather was lying in the ground, he already lose his consciousness. (1. 时态错误push 应该用pushed. 2.用词不当discover 表示”发现了存在了很久的东西”, 如果是这样的话, 爷爷早就归天了. 所以改成found 更好一些. 小词大词都有用, 关键是恰到好处. 3.后一个句子可以写成定语从句.who had lost his consciousness, 整句话可以改成: I pushed the door and found my grandfather lying on the ground, who had lost his consciousness.) I’m very nervous. Then I called 120. (两个简单句不能用逗号“，”连接，可以合并句子：Though nervous, I immediately called 120.) And helped my grandfather lied well, I also opened the window. (合并句子：Then I helped my grandfather lie on the sofa and opened the window.) At this moment, the doctor arrived. He said I did well ,I saved my grandfather’s life. (合并句子：When the doctor arrived, he praised for what I had done for my grandfather.)
By this matter, I have understood that I also could help people. (概括能力需要加强：I have learned from the accident that everyone has the ability to help others if one tries to do so.)

晓伟点评：
总体写的不错，说一下急需改进的地方：
1.几个简单句意思表达比较零散，不如用复合句紧凑。

2.两个简单句不能用逗号“，”连接。

3.语法错误：时态前后不一致。

4.文章主题的概括能力有待加强。
查看原帖：http://bbs.eduu.com/thread-155729-1-2.html